Sunday, December 9, 2007

Death and Sex

Dear Ones,
It has been about a month since I have written. Not because there haven't been much to write about-- to the contrary. Itis jus the stuff that I have been going through has been so serious and I wondered about my audenience. Each one of you is a close friend of different agesand different background.sThus, I was left wondering how appropriate it would be to write about my experience. I don't like to sensor, just to be honest. That is why I chose not to write at all and be quiet. But thats not fair to all of us.
Plus I am not a quiet girl. :) so here I am writing.

For the past month I have been experiencing two themes in my life: death and sex.

The first half of the month a member of the family, my grandfather's sister's husband passed.It has been crazy playing the role of the cousin that is supporting all those who are grieving. I'm not really familiar with death at all, but lately i have been thinking a lot about it. Seeing him dead, lying in the living room, I thought of my own grandfather and my own father, feeling panicked by time. I have just been hearing the ticking ticking ticking of the life clock, feeling its going to go out soon and I will be too late. Too late to bring my family together. To bring my grandfather to his home to his daughers and family who miss him sickly and my father, too late to bring him home to reunite him with his dad and his land. I dont know. Its a huge reason why i am here. If it doesnt happen, I don't know. There are differences between expectations and hopes/goals. I really believe I can do this, If I dont its a letting myself down situation.
So death. Mean while while that was going on, seven and yes I said seven, friends of my host family died. One of them being an uncle. So, experiencing death where I am living in the home. You cant smile, sing, black everywehre, for 40 days. Surrounded. It has defenitly been playing a toll on me. The family I live with now are AMAZING people, but what they are going through just has been horrible.

also, one night I wake up to NOT EXAGERATING the most terrifying shriek I have ever heard in my life. I rush into the hall and the host mother is sitting on the toilet with her eyes in the back of her head. Her daughter is screaming unconrollably. The mother has no pulse. (she is now somewhat okay) alive walking. but something is seriously wrong and no one really knows what. The doctor dont really like to say what the matter is either.

I cant get the scream out of my head.

Then someone else died the Birthright (the program I am in) community. A father.

So yeah, it has been a theme. Along with that, everyone and there mother's plumber is sick, I was also but am better now.

So yeah that was my life for like 3 weeks. (Not even talking about work)

The next three weeks' theme was sex.

I doubt he'll appreciate me writing about this, but thats okay. you deserve to know about my cultural experience. :)

So I have been seeing a guy for about 2 months already. Great conversations, smart, I laugh, its greath---just one thing, the man does not touch me. (I mean it literally). the only contact we made is when we walk on the street I have my arm in his. THAT IS IT. So yeah, waited, waited, waited, nothing. Then on the day of my birhtday he invites me over, its really nice, tea cofee cake, and then sends me off in a taxi. NOTHING. then invites me over again, by this time I was fed up. I innitated contact with a message. Afterwards (please keep in mind we have not even kissed at this point) he asks me if i would like to make love. I replied by asking him if he was serious or if he was joking. He was dead serious. That is when i realized I am facing a HUGE CULTURAL DIFFERENCE. I then took on the role as a teacher explaining to him that before the actual act of intercourse there spectrum of things to do and those things are not only great but very important for a woman. And when those things happen, sex is even better. Affection, touch and fourplay are foreign terms here. He tried to understand, but couldn't. He just didn't understand why he should do all that when he could just have sex. The sad thing is it is not just him, guys are really like this here. I know in the US a lot of guys just want to have sex too. But it is different. At least they kiss, know where the cliterous is, what it is and dont think going down on a woman will make a man less of a man.

After I realized what I was faced with I was on a mission to find out what relationship really looks like here, especially the dynamic of men and women in my generation and older ones. I started having conversations with many people about this at work different ages. The things I have found out are alarming and sad. One day I was riding on the metro and just started to look at all the beautiful young women. and men. I just began to cry. I knew that most of the women in their life would never experience physical pleaseure. And please know I am not referring to an itnernal orgasm here. I am referring to basic touch that gives woman pleasure. I could obviously get into great detail here. Ihave A LOT to say on this topic. But I thiink I will save it. Save it for conversation or for a book. Just know that I am thinking a lot about this. On a research level. This as a systemic problem that stems to part of the reason Armenia is the way it is today. It is the reason to a lot of probolems. I am serious.

Work,

My organization that gives life to people will be closing down at the end of December. We need 40,000 dollars to function for a year. I am now at least looking for a couple thousand dollars so we can stay for a few months while I am waitng for some grants to go through. If any of you can offer any ideas PLEASE let me know.

Love you all, sorry I haven't written.
Viktoria
P.S. I am now 23. It was my birthday November 20

8 comments:

Unknown said...

Hi dear one:
I just read through most of your blog postings, from the beginning to todays inbox mail. You aure asked for an interesting adventure. Now, be careful dear one... wouldn't want to see you married off to a man you really don't want to be with for the rest of your life.!!~
I will write more by e-mail as it's sure to get to you

Much love to you and sending the light of Chanukah..
kisses,
Ida

Anonymous said...

Your observations are very interesting, on both topics. Male-female relationships in Armenia are something that is giving me lots of food for thought as well and makes for interesting discussions with friends. I'd be interested to find out more about your ideas, the ones you want to save for research and books.

Onnik Krikorian said...

BTW: If you have a Facebook account, why not join us in two groups that might interest you:

Armenian Bloggers:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2232599150

South Caucasus Bloggers:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=5735179012

Christoph said...

hey there, v, i'm loving the blog. praying that you continue to have enriching encounters and G-d moments. Happy Holydays, Christoph

Miriam Schmidt said...

dear vicky --
jeremy and i would like to send you a christmas gift, and are trying to figure out the best way to do this. i would love to send an email to you to give you more information about it, but do not think I have an updated email. i will send one to your naropa account and see what happens. in any case, get back to me (miriam_aes@hotmail.com) from your armenian home. we love you!
many blessings, miriam

Cassandra Maris Howe said...

V!! I just read your latest blog! Thanks for sharing so much- I can almost hear your voice speaking to me through your words. I love your writing and your humor- absolutely fantastic.
I can offer some money, but I am not sure how to get it to you... and it's probably a little late at this point. Either you got the money and can stay, or you didn't and may be making ready to return... I hope the former!! So, how can I get money to you?? I can't give much, but some...

Also, what is your current address (on email). You can email my parents if you don't have my current one. I want to be in touch off the blog. I am wondering how long you are in Armenia and am entertaining possible thoughts about visiting you in July or August... How visitable are you?? Love, Cassiopia

I EAT FOOD said...

ShayD said...

Hi Viktoria,
Great to read your blog postings.I am very impressed with your openess.Good luck with your book. Keep up the blogging!
Best Wishes,
ShayD.



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