Dear Ones,
It has been about a month since I have written. Not because there haven't been much to write about-- to the contrary. Itis jus the stuff that I have been going through has been so serious and I wondered about my audenience. Each one of you is a close friend of different agesand different background.sThus, I was left wondering how appropriate it would be to write about my experience. I don't like to sensor, just to be honest. That is why I chose not to write at all and be quiet. But thats not fair to all of us.
Plus I am not a quiet girl. :) so here I am writing.
For the past month I have been experiencing two themes in my life: death and sex.
The first half of the month a member of the family, my grandfather's sister's husband passed.It has been crazy playing the role of the cousin that is supporting all those who are grieving. I'm not really familiar with death at all, but lately i have been thinking a lot about it. Seeing him dead, lying in the living room, I thought of my own grandfather and my own father, feeling panicked by time. I have just been hearing the ticking ticking ticking of the life clock, feeling its going to go out soon and I will be too late. Too late to bring my family together. To bring my grandfather to his home to his daughers and family who miss him sickly and my father, too late to bring him home to reunite him with his dad and his land. I dont know. Its a huge reason why i am here. If it doesnt happen, I don't know. There are differences between expectations and hopes/goals. I really believe I can do this, If I dont its a letting myself down situation.
So death. Mean while while that was going on, seven and yes I said seven, friends of my host family died. One of them being an uncle. So, experiencing death where I am living in the home. You cant smile, sing, black everywehre, for 40 days. Surrounded. It has defenitly been playing a toll on me. The family I live with now are AMAZING people, but what they are going through just has been horrible.
also, one night I wake up to NOT EXAGERATING the most terrifying shriek I have ever heard in my life. I rush into the hall and the host mother is sitting on the toilet with her eyes in the back of her head. Her daughter is screaming unconrollably. The mother has no pulse. (she is now somewhat okay) alive walking. but something is seriously wrong and no one really knows what. The doctor dont really like to say what the matter is either.
I cant get the scream out of my head.
Then someone else died the Birthright (the program I am in) community. A father.
So yeah, it has been a theme. Along with that, everyone and there mother's plumber is sick, I was also but am better now.
So yeah that was my life for like 3 weeks. (Not even talking about work)
The next three weeks' theme was sex.
I doubt he'll appreciate me writing about this, but thats okay. you deserve to know about my cultural experience. :)
So I have been seeing a guy for about 2 months already. Great conversations, smart, I laugh, its greath---just one thing, the man does not touch me. (I mean it literally). the only contact we made is when we walk on the street I have my arm in his. THAT IS IT. So yeah, waited, waited, waited, nothing. Then on the day of my birhtday he invites me over, its really nice, tea cofee cake, and then sends me off in a taxi. NOTHING. then invites me over again, by this time I was fed up. I innitated contact with a message. Afterwards (please keep in mind we have not even kissed at this point) he asks me if i would like to make love. I replied by asking him if he was serious or if he was joking. He was dead serious. That is when i realized I am facing a HUGE CULTURAL DIFFERENCE. I then took on the role as a teacher explaining to him that before the actual act of intercourse there spectrum of things to do and those things are not only great but very important for a woman. And when those things happen, sex is even better. Affection, touch and fourplay are foreign terms here. He tried to understand, but couldn't. He just didn't understand why he should do all that when he could just have sex. The sad thing is it is not just him, guys are really like this here. I know in the US a lot of guys just want to have sex too. But it is different. At least they kiss, know where the cliterous is, what it is and dont think going down on a woman will make a man less of a man.
After I realized what I was faced with I was on a mission to find out what relationship really looks like here, especially the dynamic of men and women in my generation and older ones. I started having conversations with many people about this at work different ages. The things I have found out are alarming and sad. One day I was riding on the metro and just started to look at all the beautiful young women. and men. I just began to cry. I knew that most of the women in their life would never experience physical pleaseure. And please know I am not referring to an itnernal orgasm here. I am referring to basic touch that gives woman pleasure. I could obviously get into great detail here. Ihave A LOT to say on this topic. But I thiink I will save it. Save it for conversation or for a book. Just know that I am thinking a lot about this. On a research level. This as a systemic problem that stems to part of the reason Armenia is the way it is today. It is the reason to a lot of probolems. I am serious.
Work,
My organization that gives life to people will be closing down at the end of December. We need 40,000 dollars to function for a year. I am now at least looking for a couple thousand dollars so we can stay for a few months while I am waitng for some grants to go through. If any of you can offer any ideas PLEASE let me know.
Love you all, sorry I haven't written.
Viktoria
P.S. I am now 23. It was my birthday November 20
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Winter is coming soon
Dear Everyone, In front of me right now is Sis and Masis= Mt. Ararat. I am sittin gin a place called Cascade. A cascade of steps that over look the city and faces Mt. Ararat. It's a place where sweet hearts go to feel eachother amongst the flowers-- it is grougous. It is here from where I am writing you now. The wind is blowing a little, but so is the sun. A nice change from the growing cold days. Winter is coming soon. People do what they can to prepare. But for many, there is nothing they can do. It is the season of mastering all human potential for survival. The hope is just to be alive in the end. Last week, thwn I was visiting with families. I asked one father, is it possible to get used to the cold, to adapt to it? He said yes. But the many other families i visited said no. It is not possible to get used to the cold. It's a bitter chill that starts from the inside of the bones and extends outwards out of the mouth. No matter how many blankets a family may own, the children and parents grow deathly ill from the damp, frigid, dark winter. Inside their houses was colder then outside. If they had a stove to heat the house, wood is rarely found for the winter.
I watched a boy eat a tomato
I watched a boy eat a tomato. His mother leaves him weeks at a time because she works as a waitress is another town. This particular time she had been gone for a week. Before she left she bought a some tomatoes and bread so her 10 yr. old. son wouldn't starve. I saw that the loaf of bread had barely been touched and the 1/2 the bowl of tomatoes was still left. Not knowing when his mother would return, he rations his food accordingly. I asked him to please eat. He was embarrassed to eat in front of me and the other social worker. Finally after convincing him, he sprinkled salt on the tomatoes and in an instant his mouth grew wider then his eyes and scarfed the ripe tomato in two bites.
I remembered the sound of her laughter
Its been weeks already that the people I work with have been telling me that the land on which poeople live has been sold. I didn't really get it until 2 days ago when I saw a large four wall building be constructed. It's entrance held a large, elaborate decorated gate. I followed the social worker as she entered into the four walls. Inside was the earth-- ground, rock, open skies and a tiny little shack. Rich men bouth the land without telling the family. Now the family has two months to pick up and leave. The problem is the government does not get i nvolved with their citizens. The family litterally does not have a place to go. As I entered the shack I see 2 beautiful children sitting on a couch. I recognize the little girl from the say before from when one of the boys swung her around in a circle. She did it over and over again a still did not get dizzy. As I said hi to her , I remembered the sound of her laughter. This very same girl will be homeless in an Armenian winter in 2 mo nths. The problem is that this not just happening to this family. This is happening to thousands of families all across Armenia.
In the midst of it all, I am well.
The families I am seeing are touching me and I cannot and will not shake it off. These are people.
In my life right now, I am facing a challenge. Zangakatun, the organization I work for, that helps these families... changes their lives, will no longer be funded starting this December. One more month. I do not know the first steps in serious fundraising. I just know that as shaky as my first step is , I must take it.
So this is what my life is composed of right now. It's what stops my pen from writing, halts me when I walk. In the midst of it all, I am well.
In addition to work, I find myself grasping for empty time. Craving solitute so I can give attention for my need for reflection to learn the lessons that need to be learned, my system that needs to be relaxed, and my body that needs to be pampered. Sitting (meditation) has become a rare treat that I savor when it comes. Many volunteers here are on "Armenian time" relaxed. layed back-- doing some tasks at work and have the rest of the day for anything they choose. I am finding myself as busy or busier here then I was in the U.S. Often I feel exhausted and guilty for not spending time with my family. There are still 2 aunts and sets of cousins that I have not yet met. I plan to this week. Cross your fingers for me. :)
Not to mention language, time for studying...people say I am improving even though I don't really feel it.
So I guess that should be it for now.
Again, please know in the midst I am well. It is all good.
Love,
Viktoria
In my life right now, I am facing a challenge. Zangakatun, the organization I work for, that helps these families... changes their lives, will no longer be funded starting this December. One more month. I do not know the first steps in serious fundraising. I just know that as shaky as my first step is , I must take it.
So this is what my life is composed of right now. It's what stops my pen from writing, halts me when I walk. In the midst of it all, I am well.
In addition to work, I find myself grasping for empty time. Craving solitute so I can give attention for my need for reflection to learn the lessons that need to be learned, my system that needs to be relaxed, and my body that needs to be pampered. Sitting (meditation) has become a rare treat that I savor when it comes. Many volunteers here are on "Armenian time" relaxed. layed back-- doing some tasks at work and have the rest of the day for anything they choose. I am finding myself as busy or busier here then I was in the U.S. Often I feel exhausted and guilty for not spending time with my family. There are still 2 aunts and sets of cousins that I have not yet met. I plan to this week. Cross your fingers for me. :)
Not to mention language, time for studying...people say I am improving even though I don't really feel it.
So I guess that should be it for now.
Again, please know in the midst I am well. It is all good.
Love,
Viktoria
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Some Basics
Dear Darlings,
Right now I am feeling settled. I just got back from a small village called Gumri. It holds one of the world's oldest pagan temples. There was a rainbow that arched through the sky touching the mountains and my face. So i feel good right now to say the least. When G-d touches me i get kinda quiet and i like that . So beautifulness is occuring as always.
Much to say.
My mind is filled with the images of everyday living. The questions I held between suffering of the Soul vs. suffering of the body is facing me head on. Evaluating, re-evaluating all that i have come to learn. My being is put out to question, therefore my mind is occupied. My days, my nights and my dreams.
Putting these reasons I'm here aside, you deserve to know some basics. Where I live, am I eating. etc.
Yes.
They moved me in with a new family.If I had one word to describe it woul be "ideal". Exactly what i hoped for. I live with a family--father, mother in their mid 50s probably and their 2 children, son and daughter in late 20's. They are the essense of Armenian family. Generous, hospitable and hard working. They include me in their life and consider me part of the family. The father refers to me as his daughter, and the brother bullies me like I am his sister. The mother gives me buttons to sew onto my shirt and the sister keeps me up at night talking. The question of can i use the stove or not does not come into question because they graciously cook meals and hope and expect I eat with them.
I live in the center of town close to everything. From my window you can see a ferris wheel and a statue of a woman, the monument of Armenia.
I have 2 jobs, but might have 4.
1) I work on a team of social workers researching the rise pf HIV and AIDS and the other STDs amongst prostitutes in Yerevan, the capital (where I live). As of now, I don't do much hands on considering my limited Armenian, but soon I will go on the streets with the other social workers to talk with women and help the intervention classes about awareness education.
My other job is with an organization that works with the most needy families in Yerevan. I and another social worker visit different families' houses to listen to them and asses their needs. Then our center provies a number of services such as different classes an activitied for children and there parents. Drawing, theatre... also a psychiatrist visits with the family as well as an Armenian priest to give classes to restore spirituality in people's lives.
Peoples ancient faith has withered over the years and many ar left numb to Spirit. Collectively people are adopting a capatilist mentity and that is what is killing this nation.
What else to say for now?
I am doing well.
I am still a bit overwhelmed.
I am feeling frusterated at myself for how little I know Armenian. My Russian is a huge blockade. And what is worse, is that I keep saying that to myself.
I met a guy, he's nice.
I'll show pictures when I find a cord.
Not gonna say to much on the subject now, :) most you know how I am with suspense.
No, truth of the matter is the culture here is soooooooooooo different. I dont know the fist way to go about hanging out with a guy. When Guys and Girls hold hands that usually means they are gonna get married. So yeah, more later I'm sure.
Dear loves, I love you.
Know you can still email me.
okay.
~
Right now I am feeling settled. I just got back from a small village called Gumri. It holds one of the world's oldest pagan temples. There was a rainbow that arched through the sky touching the mountains and my face. So i feel good right now to say the least. When G-d touches me i get kinda quiet and i like that . So beautifulness is occuring as always.
Much to say.
My mind is filled with the images of everyday living. The questions I held between suffering of the Soul vs. suffering of the body is facing me head on. Evaluating, re-evaluating all that i have come to learn. My being is put out to question, therefore my mind is occupied. My days, my nights and my dreams.
Putting these reasons I'm here aside, you deserve to know some basics. Where I live, am I eating. etc.
Yes.
They moved me in with a new family.If I had one word to describe it woul be "ideal". Exactly what i hoped for. I live with a family--father, mother in their mid 50s probably and their 2 children, son and daughter in late 20's. They are the essense of Armenian family. Generous, hospitable and hard working. They include me in their life and consider me part of the family. The father refers to me as his daughter, and the brother bullies me like I am his sister. The mother gives me buttons to sew onto my shirt and the sister keeps me up at night talking. The question of can i use the stove or not does not come into question because they graciously cook meals and hope and expect I eat with them.
I live in the center of town close to everything. From my window you can see a ferris wheel and a statue of a woman, the monument of Armenia.
I have 2 jobs, but might have 4.
1) I work on a team of social workers researching the rise pf HIV and AIDS and the other STDs amongst prostitutes in Yerevan, the capital (where I live). As of now, I don't do much hands on considering my limited Armenian, but soon I will go on the streets with the other social workers to talk with women and help the intervention classes about awareness education.
My other job is with an organization that works with the most needy families in Yerevan. I and another social worker visit different families' houses to listen to them and asses their needs. Then our center provies a number of services such as different classes an activitied for children and there parents. Drawing, theatre... also a psychiatrist visits with the family as well as an Armenian priest to give classes to restore spirituality in people's lives.
Peoples ancient faith has withered over the years and many ar left numb to Spirit. Collectively people are adopting a capatilist mentity and that is what is killing this nation.
What else to say for now?
I am doing well.
I am still a bit overwhelmed.
I am feeling frusterated at myself for how little I know Armenian. My Russian is a huge blockade. And what is worse, is that I keep saying that to myself.
I met a guy, he's nice.
I'll show pictures when I find a cord.
Not gonna say to much on the subject now, :) most you know how I am with suspense.
No, truth of the matter is the culture here is soooooooooooo different. I dont know the fist way to go about hanging out with a guy. When Guys and Girls hold hands that usually means they are gonna get married. So yeah, more later I'm sure.
Dear loves, I love you.
Know you can still email me.
okay.
~
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Its not always good
So I'll be honest.
Things aren't always good. But even when they are "bad" I still have an underlying knowingess that it is okay and I am taken care of. So please, if you worry, that's okay, but know I am truly fine and am loving the process.
So my homestay family is an atypical armenian family. When I first arrived I thought that I might just be looking into things too seriously. They seemed a bit cold. It felt very much like a hotel. They give breakfast, I go out for the day and sleep at night.
Fill you in... I hoped my time in Armenia would be spent with a family environment where we can cook and eat together, laugh, you know... the goods. Anyway, it all came down to a potato. So far the family has not offered me food once yet. So I have had to eat out somehow. (I am not interested, nor can afford to eat out everyday.) Saterday I woke up sick with a pretty bad soar throat and runny nose, told them that. They actually did not acknowledge that I spoke. Went to the pharmacy, came back, slept for a few hours, then had a mtg with a potentional organization that I might work for. Came back after dinner time, I was starving. I knew I was not welcome to their food, so I bought a smoked chicken and potatoes to fry up. Whats ironic is when I got there they just made potatoes and chicken for dinner. a little was left over.
I asked the wife if I can use her stove to fry potatoes, she said yes.
As I am frying, the mother, no joke, says to me in Russian, which is a lot harsher then in English, that I do not have a right to use their kitchen. I asked, what if I buy my own produce? She says it does not make a difference. Then I asked how can I eat then, she said, that is not of interest to her. I am there just to sleep and that is all. She told me if I want more then that I am not welcome.
So friends, I am not welcome. And am currentlylooking for another host family. The problem is the winters here are ridicilous and very few people have heating. It is going to be difficult to find a fam with heat.
Blah blah that s it.
and work, there more to say. Lets just say I am meeting wtih my boss toorrow hoping to have a discussion on different possibilities. I will tell more as it unravels.
Things helping me,
myself, Chatara's Labor of love CD, family, knowing that peace is possible.
Love you all, please keep reading and writing.
Viktoria
Things aren't always good. But even when they are "bad" I still have an underlying knowingess that it is okay and I am taken care of. So please, if you worry, that's okay, but know I am truly fine and am loving the process.
So my homestay family is an atypical armenian family. When I first arrived I thought that I might just be looking into things too seriously. They seemed a bit cold. It felt very much like a hotel. They give breakfast, I go out for the day and sleep at night.
Fill you in... I hoped my time in Armenia would be spent with a family environment where we can cook and eat together, laugh, you know... the goods. Anyway, it all came down to a potato. So far the family has not offered me food once yet. So I have had to eat out somehow. (I am not interested, nor can afford to eat out everyday.) Saterday I woke up sick with a pretty bad soar throat and runny nose, told them that. They actually did not acknowledge that I spoke. Went to the pharmacy, came back, slept for a few hours, then had a mtg with a potentional organization that I might work for. Came back after dinner time, I was starving. I knew I was not welcome to their food, so I bought a smoked chicken and potatoes to fry up. Whats ironic is when I got there they just made potatoes and chicken for dinner. a little was left over.
I asked the wife if I can use her stove to fry potatoes, she said yes.
As I am frying, the mother, no joke, says to me in Russian, which is a lot harsher then in English, that I do not have a right to use their kitchen. I asked, what if I buy my own produce? She says it does not make a difference. Then I asked how can I eat then, she said, that is not of interest to her. I am there just to sleep and that is all. She told me if I want more then that I am not welcome.
So friends, I am not welcome. And am currentlylooking for another host family. The problem is the winters here are ridicilous and very few people have heating. It is going to be difficult to find a fam with heat.
Blah blah that s it.
and work, there more to say. Lets just say I am meeting wtih my boss toorrow hoping to have a discussion on different possibilities. I will tell more as it unravels.
Things helping me,
myself, Chatara's Labor of love CD, family, knowing that peace is possible.
Love you all, please keep reading and writing.
Viktoria
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Windows
I get to see windows.
Women reaching out to hang clothes and reags on a clothes line.
I woke up this morning and saw a man in the hallway. He talked to me in Armenian, I answered in Russian, he walked away. I didn't know who he was.
I arrived last night six hours ago and still awake now. Nobody seems to be up.
Vienna was amazing, so was my Argentenian companian I went with. To see Gustav Klimt's work in the raw put me to my knees. Seeing the texture made me thank G-d for letting him be alive. The journey went over pretty well. I threw up in D.C. and wanted to throw up when I arived here.
We'll see how much I stick to Russian, how interactive I will be with men. My head is starting to hurt again from no sleep or something else.
It smells of a mild burning. There are things in the air (like the bees right next to me for instance) and defenitly sounds of shoveling metals, hammering, sweeping. I am hearing life on this wire car seat outside.
I get to see windows. People's lives, people's houses in front of my eyes.
There house is bigger then mine, vaulted cielings and a stairway. But concrete is its walls and you see it on top where it meets the ceilings.
I wonder if rich people here help out the poor... I hear birds and locked myself out. This is my first morning. Please forgive me for the randomness. I can only hope for my brain to unravel in clarity. Although, that is asking for it.
Women reaching out to hang clothes and reags on a clothes line.
I woke up this morning and saw a man in the hallway. He talked to me in Armenian, I answered in Russian, he walked away. I didn't know who he was.
I arrived last night six hours ago and still awake now. Nobody seems to be up.
Vienna was amazing, so was my Argentenian companian I went with. To see Gustav Klimt's work in the raw put me to my knees. Seeing the texture made me thank G-d for letting him be alive. The journey went over pretty well. I threw up in D.C. and wanted to throw up when I arived here.
We'll see how much I stick to Russian, how interactive I will be with men. My head is starting to hurt again from no sleep or something else.
It smells of a mild burning. There are things in the air (like the bees right next to me for instance) and defenitly sounds of shoveling metals, hammering, sweeping. I am hearing life on this wire car seat outside.
I get to see windows. People's lives, people's houses in front of my eyes.
There house is bigger then mine, vaulted cielings and a stairway. But concrete is its walls and you see it on top where it meets the ceilings.
I wonder if rich people here help out the poor... I hear birds and locked myself out. This is my first morning. Please forgive me for the randomness. I can only hope for my brain to unravel in clarity. Although, that is asking for it.
Monday, September 24, 2007
I Have Family
So I found out that I have cousins. I always wanted cousins. The really cool thing is the middle one (28) looks kinda like me. The oldest one met me on the street near my house on my way home of being lost from the subway. She took me to her apartment where the family was waiting to greet me. Five people live in their beautiful, small two bedroom apartment. As I walked through the door, each person was waiting to kiss me. Questions came flying at me as well as hugs and warmth. It turns out I look like a typical Armenian woman and they were in awe how I had their grandfather's smile and nose. The smells, the food, I was treated as a queen. They piled on grilled egplant and tomatoes, kebab and another meat dish I have no clue what it was. Different salads. I swear to god, with each bite I felt so sorry for you in America who weren't experiencing what was going on in my mouth. I mean that is sadness. True sadness. Many times already I am almost brought to tears by the tastes and how badly I want for you to have them. Countless toasts of kognac and vodka blessing that I find a husband so I can be an obedient wife. yes yes yes, that is what I just wrote. Plums and peaches. big and baby baby grapes. Torts and Armenian coffee and tea as well as ice cream cake to welcome me. We danced, I showed pictures. Then we talked about my hair problem and they will see to it that it is taken care of. :) At the end of night they insisted I live with them instead of my host family. You can't imagine how difficult it was to get the word "no" across without being mean.
Friends... sooooo much to say. so much to say. I hope you will stay tuned, check in every once in a while.
Know this for now:
Cars here have the right away, not the pedestrians. That means that people are very likely to die any second when crossing the street.
I am communicating in Russian.
The price of living is comparitive to the U.S. but the monthly wage of a judge for example, is $200 per month. Fucking unbelievable. That dinner they made was... who knows how much of their income.
The stray dogs are told to only bite at night.
I am doing okay. There are some things that are up, but its too early write about them. (dont worry)
I love you all.
Viktoria
P.S. My fear happend and that is the computer is not letting me download my pics. Not making a USB connection. I'm gonna work on this and get back to you.
Friends... sooooo much to say. so much to say. I hope you will stay tuned, check in every once in a while.
Know this for now:
Cars here have the right away, not the pedestrians. That means that people are very likely to die any second when crossing the street.
I am communicating in Russian.
The price of living is comparitive to the U.S. but the monthly wage of a judge for example, is $200 per month. Fucking unbelievable. That dinner they made was... who knows how much of their income.
The stray dogs are told to only bite at night.
I am doing okay. There are some things that are up, but its too early write about them. (dont worry)
I love you all.
Viktoria
P.S. My fear happend and that is the computer is not letting me download my pics. Not making a USB connection. I'm gonna work on this and get back to you.
Monday, September 3, 2007
teeny weeny preface
hi Beauties.
I have invited to you to come see me here on my blog. Two tremendous warnings:
1. I don't know how to do this. I have an unfathomable gift of screwing computers up and/or not understanding them and how to use them. I hope that my relationship with computers will change so I can share myself with you. I want to be accessed. So please know, I am struggling to be online in this virtual reality of ours.
2. I suck at keeping in touch (as you probably know). If I were to speak of my biggest faults, it is that I tend to not keep in touch with those I love most. One on one---great. Apart----suck. Please know that I will really work on keeping in contact through this blog. One way that will help me write you is by not editing. I will write as if this is a journal, fully sharing without censoring. I don't want my bad grammar get in the way of me not writing. I'll write papers in Grad school. :) Hope you don't mind the casual writing...
Iam doing this not just to keep in touch and share about my adventures and potential learnings. I am doing this so I can ask for help if I need it and to be able to share the dark stuff along with the Light.
When I am going to be away in Thrid World country, with foreign language and foreign culture surrounding me. I want the option of typing to you. Even a word.
Thanks for understanding my desire to be in touch. The knowing that someone I love is out there, knowing something thats going on is helpful.
So Loves, these were my warnings :) rooted from my fears and insecurities. They had to be said.
I hope you enjoy peeking in on me every once in a while.
Thank you,
Viktoria
P.S. If you know me as Vicky, I am VICKY. Just so you know though, I started going by Viktoria since 1st yr. of college.
I have invited to you to come see me here on my blog. Two tremendous warnings:
1. I don't know how to do this. I have an unfathomable gift of screwing computers up and/or not understanding them and how to use them. I hope that my relationship with computers will change so I can share myself with you. I want to be accessed. So please know, I am struggling to be online in this virtual reality of ours.
2. I suck at keeping in touch (as you probably know). If I were to speak of my biggest faults, it is that I tend to not keep in touch with those I love most. One on one---great. Apart----suck. Please know that I will really work on keeping in contact through this blog. One way that will help me write you is by not editing. I will write as if this is a journal, fully sharing without censoring. I don't want my bad grammar get in the way of me not writing. I'll write papers in Grad school. :) Hope you don't mind the casual writing...
Iam doing this not just to keep in touch and share about my adventures and potential learnings. I am doing this so I can ask for help if I need it and to be able to share the dark stuff along with the Light.
When I am going to be away in Thrid World country, with foreign language and foreign culture surrounding me. I want the option of typing to you. Even a word.
Thanks for understanding my desire to be in touch. The knowing that someone I love is out there, knowing something thats going on is helpful.
So Loves, these were my warnings :) rooted from my fears and insecurities. They had to be said.
I hope you enjoy peeking in on me every once in a while.
Thank you,
Viktoria
P.S. If you know me as Vicky, I am VICKY. Just so you know though, I started going by Viktoria since 1st yr. of college.
Pre Armenia
hi Lovlies,
Okay now that is out of the way (my preface) I can tell you what I am doing!!!!!
Since Holden I have dreamt of doing the Peace Corps. Then during my senior year of college I realized I wanted to go to Armenia. Armenia is where my father and his entire family is from. I actually know NOTHING about Armenia. Ok maybe not nothing. They have good coffee, water and wine and the majority of men are artists and would be considered "not so nice" to women from the perspective of U. S. culture. That's what I know.
The whole getting back to the roots thing has been really important to me for the past couple years for some reason. Extremely important. Being made up of two dying nations that are rising from the dead means something to me.
So I applied to the Peace Corps and got denied solely on the base that I am Armenian. Yes, yes that's right. They said my bias would get in the way of my service. ANGER.
So then applied for the Armenian Volunteer Corps. Basically the same thing except for one major difference. Since its funded by Armenia, a third world country, I do not get a stipend, insurance, etc. I am working on getting room and board. We'll see. But because I am unfortunately obsessed with this game of following my heart rather then my brain I decided to go despite the financial difficulty. This past year I worked two jobs to save money and now am leaving in two weeks.
I am kind of frieking out. I hope you don't mind if i share my fears. Because in this whole "Pre Armenia" stage that I am in right now, I am experiencing a LOT of fear. Some excitement but mostly fear and doubt. Yay.
Have you ever wanted something for so long and it lived in your mind that it became like a seperate entity? Because you wanted it for so long you became detached from it. Well this is what has happened to me and very soon this entity is going to become very real, very fast.
Something else I am scared about is theI don't know the language AT ALL situation. At all, at all. Some people are like, "well since you know Russian, that will help you learn Armenian." Yeah, but Armenian doesn't have ANYTHING to do with Russian. It is its own language, just like Hebrew and Latin for example. As most of you know expressing myself is important to me. I can't imagine not being seen or understood AND on a very basic level not being able to understand others and what is being said. How will I be of service to others when I don't know the language? ( I can just picture most of you smiling to yourselves right now thinking, "oh, she's gonna learn and it is going to be good." Yes! But it is still scary.)
Ummm another MAJOR fear, as in probably the biggest I have. So this summer I went back to Lithuania, where I was born for the first time with my mom. Yes, amazing, whole other story. We also went to Russia to see my uncle. See this is where I wish you could see my face. THE CARS, THE DRIVING, THE ROADS, THE FUMES!! AND THE DRIVERS! Dear G-d, may I survive this. I have a phobia of all that is capitolized right now. Seriously. I went and saw a hypnotherapist. Do you get what I am saying? My heart beat goes up even typing about it.
So yeah that is my main fear. I hate the speeding in pot-hole land with cliffs and fumes going up m nose, into my lungs and watering out my eyes. I really don't like that, I don't. I am seriously considering wearing a face mask. Oh--but I am actually not kidding.
Words of advice anyone? please?
So these are my main fears. Yes, there's the whole getting sold into prostitution thing but, mostly its about the fumes. So yeah. Thank you for reading. I will leave Sept,19 for about a year. I love you all.
Peace,
Viktoria
Okay now that is out of the way (my preface) I can tell you what I am doing!!!!!
Since Holden I have dreamt of doing the Peace Corps. Then during my senior year of college I realized I wanted to go to Armenia. Armenia is where my father and his entire family is from. I actually know NOTHING about Armenia. Ok maybe not nothing. They have good coffee, water and wine and the majority of men are artists and would be considered "not so nice" to women from the perspective of U. S. culture. That's what I know.
The whole getting back to the roots thing has been really important to me for the past couple years for some reason. Extremely important. Being made up of two dying nations that are rising from the dead means something to me.
So I applied to the Peace Corps and got denied solely on the base that I am Armenian. Yes, yes that's right. They said my bias would get in the way of my service. ANGER.
So then applied for the Armenian Volunteer Corps. Basically the same thing except for one major difference. Since its funded by Armenia, a third world country, I do not get a stipend, insurance, etc. I am working on getting room and board. We'll see. But because I am unfortunately obsessed with this game of following my heart rather then my brain I decided to go despite the financial difficulty. This past year I worked two jobs to save money and now am leaving in two weeks.
I am kind of frieking out. I hope you don't mind if i share my fears. Because in this whole "Pre Armenia" stage that I am in right now, I am experiencing a LOT of fear. Some excitement but mostly fear and doubt. Yay.
Have you ever wanted something for so long and it lived in your mind that it became like a seperate entity? Because you wanted it for so long you became detached from it. Well this is what has happened to me and very soon this entity is going to become very real, very fast.
Something else I am scared about is theI don't know the language AT ALL situation. At all, at all. Some people are like, "well since you know Russian, that will help you learn Armenian." Yeah, but Armenian doesn't have ANYTHING to do with Russian. It is its own language, just like Hebrew and Latin for example. As most of you know expressing myself is important to me. I can't imagine not being seen or understood AND on a very basic level not being able to understand others and what is being said. How will I be of service to others when I don't know the language? ( I can just picture most of you smiling to yourselves right now thinking, "oh, she's gonna learn and it is going to be good." Yes! But it is still scary.)
Ummm another MAJOR fear, as in probably the biggest I have. So this summer I went back to Lithuania, where I was born for the first time with my mom. Yes, amazing, whole other story. We also went to Russia to see my uncle. See this is where I wish you could see my face. THE CARS, THE DRIVING, THE ROADS, THE FUMES!! AND THE DRIVERS! Dear G-d, may I survive this. I have a phobia of all that is capitolized right now. Seriously. I went and saw a hypnotherapist. Do you get what I am saying? My heart beat goes up even typing about it.
So yeah that is my main fear. I hate the speeding in pot-hole land with cliffs and fumes going up m nose, into my lungs and watering out my eyes. I really don't like that, I don't. I am seriously considering wearing a face mask. Oh--but I am actually not kidding.
Words of advice anyone? please?
So these are my main fears. Yes, there's the whole getting sold into prostitution thing but, mostly its about the fumes. So yeah. Thank you for reading. I will leave Sept,19 for about a year. I love you all.
Peace,
Viktoria
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