Sunday, September 30, 2007

Its not always good

So I'll be honest.
Things aren't always good. But even when they are "bad" I still have an underlying knowingess that it is okay and I am taken care of. So please, if you worry, that's okay, but know I am truly fine and am loving the process.

So my homestay family is an atypical armenian family. When I first arrived I thought that I might just be looking into things too seriously. They seemed a bit cold. It felt very much like a hotel. They give breakfast, I go out for the day and sleep at night.

Fill you in... I hoped my time in Armenia would be spent with a family environment where we can cook and eat together, laugh, you know... the goods. Anyway, it all came down to a potato. So far the family has not offered me food once yet. So I have had to eat out somehow. (I am not interested, nor can afford to eat out everyday.) Saterday I woke up sick with a pretty bad soar throat and runny nose, told them that. They actually did not acknowledge that I spoke. Went to the pharmacy, came back, slept for a few hours, then had a mtg with a potentional organization that I might work for. Came back after dinner time, I was starving. I knew I was not welcome to their food, so I bought a smoked chicken and potatoes to fry up. Whats ironic is when I got there they just made potatoes and chicken for dinner. a little was left over.
I asked the wife if I can use her stove to fry potatoes, she said yes.

As I am frying, the mother, no joke, says to me in Russian, which is a lot harsher then in English, that I do not have a right to use their kitchen. I asked, what if I buy my own produce? She says it does not make a difference. Then I asked how can I eat then, she said, that is not of interest to her. I am there just to sleep and that is all. She told me if I want more then that I am not welcome.


So friends, I am not welcome. And am currentlylooking for another host family. The problem is the winters here are ridicilous and very few people have heating. It is going to be difficult to find a fam with heat.

Blah blah that s it.
and work, there more to say. Lets just say I am meeting wtih my boss toorrow hoping to have a discussion on different possibilities. I will tell more as it unravels.

Things helping me,
myself, Chatara's Labor of love CD, family, knowing that peace is possible.

Love you all, please keep reading and writing.

Viktoria

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Windows

I get to see windows.
Women reaching out to hang clothes and reags on a clothes line.
I woke up this morning and saw a man in the hallway. He talked to me in Armenian, I answered in Russian, he walked away. I didn't know who he was.
I arrived last night six hours ago and still awake now. Nobody seems to be up.
Vienna was amazing, so was my Argentenian companian I went with. To see Gustav Klimt's work in the raw put me to my knees. Seeing the texture made me thank G-d for letting him be alive. The journey went over pretty well. I threw up in D.C. and wanted to throw up when I arived here.
We'll see how much I stick to Russian, how interactive I will be with men. My head is starting to hurt again from no sleep or something else.
It smells of a mild burning. There are things in the air (like the bees right next to me for instance) and defenitly sounds of shoveling metals, hammering, sweeping. I am hearing life on this wire car seat outside.

I get to see windows. People's lives, people's houses in front of my eyes.

There house is bigger then mine, vaulted cielings and a stairway. But concrete is its walls and you see it on top where it meets the ceilings.

I wonder if rich people here help out the poor... I hear birds and locked myself out. This is my first morning. Please forgive me for the randomness. I can only hope for my brain to unravel in clarity. Although, that is asking for it.

Monday, September 24, 2007

I Have Family

So I found out that I have cousins. I always wanted cousins. The really cool thing is the middle one (28) looks kinda like me. The oldest one met me on the street near my house on my way home of being lost from the subway. She took me to her apartment where the family was waiting to greet me. Five people live in their beautiful, small two bedroom apartment. As I walked through the door, each person was waiting to kiss me. Questions came flying at me as well as hugs and warmth. It turns out I look like a typical Armenian woman and they were in awe how I had their grandfather's smile and nose. The smells, the food, I was treated as a queen. They piled on grilled egplant and tomatoes, kebab and another meat dish I have no clue what it was. Different salads. I swear to god, with each bite I felt so sorry for you in America who weren't experiencing what was going on in my mouth. I mean that is sadness. True sadness. Many times already I am almost brought to tears by the tastes and how badly I want for you to have them. Countless toasts of kognac and vodka blessing that I find a husband so I can be an obedient wife. yes yes yes, that is what I just wrote. Plums and peaches. big and baby baby grapes. Torts and Armenian coffee and tea as well as ice cream cake to welcome me. We danced, I showed pictures. Then we talked about my hair problem and they will see to it that it is taken care of. :) At the end of night they insisted I live with them instead of my host family. You can't imagine how difficult it was to get the word "no" across without being mean.


Friends... sooooo much to say. so much to say. I hope you will stay tuned, check in every once in a while.

Know this for now:
Cars here have the right away, not the pedestrians. That means that people are very likely to die any second when crossing the street.

I am communicating in Russian.

The price of living is comparitive to the U.S. but the monthly wage of a judge for example, is $200 per month. Fucking unbelievable. That dinner they made was... who knows how much of their income.

The stray dogs are told to only bite at night.

I am doing okay. There are some things that are up, but its too early write about them. (dont worry)

I love you all.
Viktoria
P.S. My fear happend and that is the computer is not letting me download my pics. Not making a USB connection. I'm gonna work on this and get back to you.

Monday, September 3, 2007

teeny weeny preface

hi Beauties.

I have invited to you to come see me here on my blog. Two tremendous warnings:
1. I don't know how to do this. I have an unfathomable gift of screwing computers up and/or not understanding them and how to use them. I hope that my relationship with computers will change so I can share myself with you. I want to be accessed. So please know, I am struggling to be online in this virtual reality of ours.

2. I suck at keeping in touch (as you probably know). If I were to speak of my biggest faults, it is that I tend to not keep in touch with those I love most. One on one---great. Apart----suck. Please know that I will really work on keeping in contact through this blog. One way that will help me write you is by not editing. I will write as if this is a journal, fully sharing without censoring. I don't want my bad grammar get in the way of me not writing. I'll write papers in Grad school. :) Hope you don't mind the casual writing...

Iam doing this not just to keep in touch and share about my adventures and potential learnings. I am doing this so I can ask for help if I need it and to be able to share the dark stuff along with the Light.

When I am going to be away in Thrid World country, with foreign language and foreign culture surrounding me. I want the option of typing to you. Even a word.

Thanks for understanding my desire to be in touch. The knowing that someone I love is out there, knowing something thats going on is helpful.

So Loves, these were my warnings :) rooted from my fears and insecurities. They had to be said.

I hope you enjoy peeking in on me every once in a while.

Thank you,

Viktoria

P.S. If you know me as Vicky, I am VICKY. Just so you know though, I started going by Viktoria since 1st yr. of college.

Pre Armenia

hi Lovlies,

Okay now that is out of the way (my preface) I can tell you what I am doing!!!!!

Since Holden I have dreamt of doing the Peace Corps. Then during my senior year of college I realized I wanted to go to Armenia. Armenia is where my father and his entire family is from. I actually know NOTHING about Armenia. Ok maybe not nothing. They have good coffee, water and wine and the majority of men are artists and would be considered "not so nice" to women from the perspective of U. S. culture. That's what I know.
The whole getting back to the roots thing has been really important to me for the past couple years for some reason. Extremely important. Being made up of two dying nations that are rising from the dead means something to me.

So I applied to the Peace Corps and got denied solely on the base that I am Armenian. Yes, yes that's right. They said my bias would get in the way of my service. ANGER.

So then applied for the Armenian Volunteer Corps. Basically the same thing except for one major difference. Since its funded by Armenia, a third world country, I do not get a stipend, insurance, etc. I am working on getting room and board. We'll see. But because I am unfortunately obsessed with this game of following my heart rather then my brain I decided to go despite the financial difficulty. This past year I worked two jobs to save money and now am leaving in two weeks.

I am kind of frieking out. I hope you don't mind if i share my fears. Because in this whole "Pre Armenia" stage that I am in right now, I am experiencing a LOT of fear. Some excitement but mostly fear and doubt. Yay.

Have you ever wanted something for so long and it lived in your mind that it became like a seperate entity? Because you wanted it for so long you became detached from it. Well this is what has happened to me and very soon this entity is going to become very real, very fast.

Something else I am scared about is theI don't know the language AT ALL situation. At all, at all. Some people are like, "well since you know Russian, that will help you learn Armenian." Yeah, but Armenian doesn't have ANYTHING to do with Russian. It is its own language, just like Hebrew and Latin for example. As most of you know expressing myself is important to me. I can't imagine not being seen or understood AND on a very basic level not being able to understand others and what is being said. How will I be of service to others when I don't know the language? ( I can just picture most of you smiling to yourselves right now thinking, "oh, she's gonna learn and it is going to be good." Yes! But it is still scary.)

Ummm another MAJOR fear, as in probably the biggest I have. So this summer I went back to Lithuania, where I was born for the first time with my mom. Yes, amazing, whole other story. We also went to Russia to see my uncle. See this is where I wish you could see my face. THE CARS, THE DRIVING, THE ROADS, THE FUMES!! AND THE DRIVERS! Dear G-d, may I survive this. I have a phobia of all that is capitolized right now. Seriously. I went and saw a hypnotherapist. Do you get what I am saying? My heart beat goes up even typing about it.
So yeah that is my main fear. I hate the speeding in pot-hole land with cliffs and fumes going up m nose, into my lungs and watering out my eyes. I really don't like that, I don't. I am seriously considering wearing a face mask. Oh--but I am actually not kidding.
Words of advice anyone? please?

So these are my main fears. Yes, there's the whole getting sold into prostitution thing but, mostly its about the fumes. So yeah. Thank you for reading. I will leave Sept,19 for about a year. I love you all.

Peace,
Viktoria


Furnace