Armenia and Beyond...

Last Entry for Now

2008-11-28T15:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,

I am home. I arrived back to Seattle nearly two months ago. It is wonderful to be back. To say the least, I did not expect it. When I was in Armenia I was telling friends and family that when I got back it would be more then likely that I would be depressed. Not for a long time, but for a significant portion, a month or so. I imagined myself in bed, shutters drawn and feeling a sense of hopelessness. Living in a country where I don’t want to be living with a society lost and my purpose lost.
Talk about a downer!
But I convinced myself it was necessary to go through this period in order to accept my being in the country and that it would be the exact catalyst to lead me into something else. My future.

Well it turns out when I got back I was not depressed. Fuck, I wasn’t even unhappy. I tried to be depressed. But as I laid in bed, I could not help but feel an underlying calm. I knew that I was exactly where I needed to be and I really felt that everything would be okay.

Can I tell you what I love? I love being home because it is so so so good to be home with my family. In Armenia I learned to appreciate family in a way I could never have imagined before. I really treasure the times with my mom especially. And its crazy, because usually when I would be annoyed or feel resentment or whatever my issue is, now I naturally pull back and just love her. I am enjoying being with my mom right now, even in the “ugly” moments. You know how cool that is to say as a 24 year old?! Amazing. I don’t know how long it will last, but I’ll take it for now. Precious. So that makes my time here lovely.

Also, you know what else makes it lovely. Friekin’ people brought back hope to me. By Obama being elected that shows a shift in consciousness that I have only prayed and complained for. That shift, is what made me cry when the newscaster announced he won the election. I love how after election day I felt a sense of community, even through sitting in a car without much interaction. Community was created not through a tragedy like in the past, with 9/11 for example, but with an event that is based on happiness, change and inspiration. We came together, not out of necessity but out of joy.

It was incredible. So I am excited to be here for the FIRST time in my life. Now when I see an American flag I smile. Nausea doesn’t fill me with accompanied hatred of hypocrisy, rather exitedness and gratitude. Never before have I identified as American, I always claimed to be “Americanized.” I hope that as years pass, America can grow into its dream and then I could only aspire to become “American.” One day.

Friends, I don’t know if I will be keeping a blog anymore. My travels were cut short and my time in Armenia is over (for now). Now I hope to find a job that is meaningful and worthwhile and stay tuned for the next call in my life.

If you want to check in, to see where I am at, I would love to share with you.
Email me, connectwithv@gmail.com.
Thank you so much for being on this journey with me, no matter what interval it may have been.

Love to you and may you be as true to your Self as you can.

Alongside of you,
Viktoria Simonyan

rough skeleton and faith

2008-07-01T06:31:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends,

I think most of you have stopped checking my blog by now, considering I have not written in 3 months. :) Wow, even typing the number 3 makes me blush with shame.

I think now I have exceeded the time being able to bare not letting you know what is going on for me, what I am doing...

After Vigen's death a lot has continued to happen. My time in Armenia came to a close. I had to say my goodbyes to friends and family members that I do not know if I will ever see again. But even with the sadness, joy was so prevelant as I was hugging them goodbye. What a miracle it was to find them in the first place and now, even if by phone or net, I can have them in my life. Unbelievable.

No, my dream of uniting my father with his family did not come true. But I am not entirely convinced that it will never happen. Life is too big for me to assume what will happen.

I left Armenia knowing that I will be back. I will be back out of logistics because that is where I will fly home from. Besides that, I do not know how Armenia, the country fits into my future. I just know that there was nothing else I should have done this year then to touch the land where my father is from. Because I met Armenia face to face, I could no longer deny this part of me. She is awake inside me and I cannot ignore that. That means somehow, someway I will live in an "Armenian" life. It will be interesting to see what this means in different places in the world I may live. I love having this part of myself that layed dormant for years, wake up. Now she is rollin' around, stretchin'- We'll see what position she finds most cumfy.

So where am I now?

Norway.

I came here to see Norway with a Norwegian friend that I met in Armenia. I had no idea that Norway might honestly be, one of the most beautiful countries in the world. It is ridiculous.

Can I just say that I was climbing a mountain in the North of Norway on an Island at 1:00 in the morning as I was looking at the midnight sun towering over the ocean. YEah, it happened.
Unbelievable.

I will stay here until the 7th of July. After that I fly to France to go on retreat in Plum Village, Thich Nhat Hanh's Buddhist retreat Center. After a week I will skidadel up to Taize, a Christian retreat centre. And then I plan on going to Paris.

We will see, we will see. Things aren't planned per say. I bought a rail pass that includes Spain and Italy, but we will see, we will see. Considering I know no one there, and I dont have a travel buddy yet per se.
I am soooo laughing as I type this, by the way.
From here on out, everything is high high high into the air. So high, I cant see it. So. Thats fun.

I dont know what is gonna happen , with who, when. I just have a rough skeleton and faith. That is about it.

So the skeleton continues on after France, I hope to travel Turkey and then meet up with my Norwegian friend and "do" the Middle East. Yeee haw.

So please write and stay tunned for what is gonna happen. Because this girl doesnt know.

I imagine I will write more frequently (not while in the retreat centres though (July 7th-24th) in order to manage my sanity.

Alright loves,
you know I love you.

Peace,
Viktoria

One Second

2008-04-05T06:18:00.000-07:00

I wrote this to a dear friend of mine, but would like for you to read it too...

Dear One,
I find that when I am most in pain, I want to write you. Not journal, but write you.

Life is amazing. It really is.

Vigen, my dad's best friend in the world. One of the main reasons why I came to Armenia to find him for dad. And found him, amazing story. Amazing man, they way he loves.

Is dead.

He got brutally hit by a drunk driver and his daughter that loves him more then anything and his wife, brother and mother are alone without him.

It is Armenian tradition to have the dead in the middle of the living room. he had no legs, face covered with makeup .

His organs ruptured.

I am crying for this man that lost his life at 48. All he wanted was to love others, including me. I saw him most then anyone else here. I think besides my family, he is the only person that has ever loved my father.

He just left the house for a few minutes to buy a pack of ciggeretes.

I just celebrated his birthday with him. I dont know what to do.

I dont know how to look in the eyes of his wife. What can I possibly offer?

I am just the guest. Just the daughter of her husband's bestfriend.

The twelve year old daughter, her eyes wide open just turned 35.

I dont know Chatara, I am meeting death again and I dont know

I am not angry with g-d
i justI wonderwill it ever be explainable. How can it for a mother to burry her own child?

And it makes me think if I have to bury someone in my family. I dont know
I dont know if Icould do it.

Everyone is so much stronger than me it seems. How do they do it? How did you do it?I just want to be in bed. Cry. paint black around me and walk in it.

And that is only me, the duaghter, mother , wife...
He made love to her as he walked by, I saw it. The most tender, loving Armenian man I will ever come to know.
Sooooyeah.

Life is crazy.
But then theres babies.

Theres Nissas.

Theres Chataras

and Matts.

Life is trully amazing.
I love you girl.
Please, every second we are here its
a gift.

A gift given from g-d and at any second we can go back to him.One second. One second.
Every tick of that, my heart pounds for you too.

Peace be with you. Viktoria

Untold Story

2008-03-28T22:52:00.001-07:00

Hi Dear Ones,

So, things have settled down. Yes the injustice is ridiculous and many people still do not know what is going on, how for example people are getting arrested and/or beaten up for nothing as they walk down a street or when thet are holding vigil for the people who they lost to murder.

But not being sarcastic, things are ok. The military has dispersed and the streets feel safe to walk in. It is Spring and it is beautiful.

I love my new job and overall really loving life. But today's blog is a necessary story that you all deserved to hear a long time ago. It is the story that brought me here. So please read and if moved, respond.
Thank you.
Viktoria

Five months ago after sharing my story around a table I was asked to write it down. Five months later, I finally could. This is the story that has brought me to Armenia.

My father was an orphan born and raised on the street of Yerevan. Immediately after he was born, his father left him and his mother. Dad’s mother was a unique woman for that time. She was the professor of pedagogy at Yerevan State University and a divorced woman who took care of her child without anyone’s help. She had no family or relatives. She was independent and strong. Despite her strength, she knew she was dying. Out of love for her son, she tried to kill him with a fire poker. She managed to crack open my dad’s skull but surprisingly he healed. Till this day, he has a scar across his face and head. I only found out how he got it from my mother at age twenty three. My grandmother tried to kill my father because she knew that once she died he would be absolutely alone and it would be better for him to be dead rather than being alone in this harsh world.

When dad was ten, she died, leaving him to raise himself. On her deathbed, she told him that he has a father, that he is alive, and that he lives in Vilnius, Lithuania. Despite all odds, my dad was consumed by a passion to survive so one day he can save up enough money to finally meet and be with his father. To support himself, he worked during the day, gaining a specialization as a diamond setter and jeweler and at night, was a student. Everyday my father struggled to survive: fighting on the streets of Yerevan, jumping from one orphanage to another, sleeping on couch to couch; although, there was one person in his life that looked after him as best she could, that was his best friend’s mother. As soon as the possibility arose, my father lived on his own in an apartment; a child that was waiting to see his father.

By age seventeen my dad did not have to wait any longer. He made enough jewelry and set off to Lithuania to meet his father. He found him, but unfortunately his father did not believe this boy that claimed to be his son. Broken, my dad continued on. He became a successful jeweler and at age twenty he met my mother and married her. By the time I was born he thought he would try to convince his father again, the second time needed no convincing. As soon as his father saw the baby, he knew she was his grandchild. With this new understanding he saw my father as if for the first time and realized he was his son.
Unfortunately the connection was made a little too late because shortly after, my father, mother, half-brother and I immigrated to the United States where we lost all contact with my grandfather. My father has not seen or heard of him in the last twenty years. We did not know (knock on wood) if he was even alive.

For the first time since we immigrated, my mother and I went back to Vilnius, Lithuania to see the place of our birth. As soon as I arrived, I opened up the telephone directory to find my last name, “Simonyan.” There he was, in black and white. So I called and he answered. Later that day my mother and I sat across the table from my grandfather, Misha Jan. He only drank grapefruit juice as I ate the ice cream he insisted on ordering for me. I couldn’t really taste it though because of the tears that were constantly streaming down my face. Till this day I cannot understand how I did not even know the man, but yet how deeply in love with him I was. I never had a grandfather and here he was sitting right in front of me. The same obnoxious smile my dad has. I was looking at my father! How could blood be so strong? So much abandonment, but yet all that remained was love.

I told him I was leaving in a month for Yerevan, Armenia to volunteer for a year. He was very happy for me. Then came shocking news… “I have a sister and three daughters. I’ll give you their information” he said. “Wait a second, here I am sitting in front of the man that is responsible for me having a big nose and he’s telling me I have family? I always wanted family! Whoa, this trip to Armenia just turned into something else” I thought.

When I came to my grandfather’s apartment it was as if I stepped into an art gallery. On his walls hung masterpieces of detailed metal work made into portraits and landscapes. “What is going to happen to your art? When will it return to Armenia to your family?” I asked. “Things aren’t so simple” is all he replied. I later found out that his life’s work was all taken from him by the USSR because it was considered to be Soviet property since he was Armenia’s national artist at the time. Till this day, no pieces have been returned.

In the end of September I arrived in Yerevan. Then began the unraveling of relationships to my new, yet old family. The first people I called are those who I am closest to now: my grandfather’s sister and her daughter’s family. The best way to describe them is open arms accepting me simply as their own, because I am. The craziest thing is I look so much like the middle daughter who will have her first child in a month (May)! Our eyebrows even slant the same way when we laugh. I am expected to share every Sunday with them just as I am expected to be with them throughout the entire process when their grandfather died (my grandfather’s sister’s husband). We laugh together, scream together. It’s real.

I also met my aunts. It’s interesting to see my grandfather in female form. To be completely honest I can’t help feeling hurt and confused when I am with them, wondering to myself, “How could you leave my father alone when he needed you most?” But then I remember that they were only children and secondly, they didn’t know he existed.

I also have cousins, real cousins! I never had cousins before. I would be lying if I said that I am extremely close to all my family. This is not true. What is true is that I have been given an opportunity to explore these gifts. These people are like priceless packages with infinite gifts inside which I am savoring as I open. I am taking my time with sensitivity in getting to know these people that share my grandfather’s name. It is surreal to be able to sit in a taxi with a friend, look out the window and then turn and say, “Hey, there goes my cousin passing by.” This happened.

Growing up, my dad did not even allow the word “Armenia” in the house because it brought all the pain and suffering he experienced as a child. It took my father a year to give his blessing for me to come here and only after that was he able to open up and claim he is ready to return. Now that I am here, walking the land of my family and getting to know them and touch them I am ready to complete my dream…

I want to bring my father home to the land where he is from and was left abandoned, so Armenia can mean something else to him… and to bring my grandfather back to the land from which he is from to reunite him with his sister, daughters, grandchildren and most importantly, his son. I feel I have been given the responsibility of bringing them together.

I pray my father to return to the land where he experienced so much harm, so that he may heal in the arms of his father that has never held him before, so he may heal in the presence of his father that has never been present before. May the child in my dad that waited so long not have to wait any longer. And may the absence of family in his life be filled with each current member as they stand witness to this reunion.

This is my dream, my mission and our land that I am standing on now… I feel so close to it happening! I just need help. With the belief that this entire process is something way beyond myself, I am able to ask for help. I am not seeking funds, which I know is exceedingly difficult during this depleting economic time. Instead, I am asking for miles. I am aware that people can acquire air miles through their business and personal use. If inspired, please donate your miles to my family so I can show my father his dad and my dream in our homeland can be complete. I hope to fly my father and grandfather to their reunion this summer at the end of my stay.

P.S. It is important to remember that this story that brought me to Armenia does not have a neat little “The End” on page four, but rather it is a living story that will continue to unravel down my family’s generations. I am just one part of this story, in hopefully the chapter entitled “The Reunion Back Home.” Although, there is an additional chapter I would like to contribute to and that is the one dedicated to my grandfather’s art. Somehow, someway I want to bring his work to Armenia and put on a gallery so in the end in can be in the arms of his loved ones. I do not want what happened the first time to repeat again. If anyone has any idea on how to go about something like this, please do not hesitate to share. Thank you…

Viktoria Simonyan

A Limited Update

2008-03-06T10:24:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone,
( I just sat about 2 minutes trying to figure what direction to take this, so much I could say...)

First of all,
thank you to those who emailed me sending me their thoughts, prayers and concerns. And also to those who didn't email, but who are thinking about Armenia, its people and myself. It's nice to not feel alone.

So here it was I can offer now.
After I wrote my blog, I had some people say that I exaggerated the situation. The fact of the matter is that I, even though I did not know it at the time, happened to be right in the epicenter of the violence. So from my perspective, what seemed like a war was going on and I assumed that other parts of Yerevan were experiencing the same thing.

It turns out that only two streets were experiencing the horrific, escalated events (I am referring to the ones that I described that happened at night) and I happened to live on that same street. Therefore, most people did not hear or see anything of the things I described to you because they were too far away. It was an isolated situation.

Now to correct things that I learned in the last couple days. Armenia is not under curfew like I thought we were, even though Yerevan is officially under a state of emergency for a 20 day period. This means that we are not allowed to gather in groups and forbidden to provide information to the public (like what I am doing right now). For example, this morning utube is blocked for us to put clips on what has happened. Amazing.

Also, what I experienced as rockets, I was told were not actually rockets, even though it looked and sounded like it. They were tracer bullets that is a technique of the military. So I was explained.

So now the situation looks like this:
Absolutely no more demonstrations. The military and police have completely taken over and occupied many public places. This means there are military tanks and the army all over the city. I am purposefully not going to talk about what is being shown on the tv, represented by the media--- represented by the government...

Things are stable here. There are lots of discussions going on about what is the truth, who is to blame. Facts are many stores were absolutely destroyed. Cars were blown up, flipped over, MANY injured, people have died. We still do not know the numbers. To be honest, I doubt we ever will.

I want to give my opinion, but cant right now. I hope that in months down the line, I can really express what I am seeing.

So, please erase the images of war-torn land out of your mind now.It is not that any longer. Although, I sense a huge tension in the air. I am not the only person that thinks the physical danger and destruction is not over. We will see what will happen after this 20 day state of emergency. I think shit is going to go down, I don't know what, but something.

I don't know if this puts you more at ease or the opposite. I hope at ease.
I feel safe right now.

Peace to you all,
Viktoria

P.S. I wrote about how I felt that night I went to sleep with bombs going off and screams ringing in my ears. One day soon, I will share with you.

A Promise

2008-03-04T02:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Ones,
I am just writing to say that VERY soon i will give you an update on what is going on. Let me just say now the most important,

Things are stabalized. and I am OK. I am fine.

Write to you soon,
Viktoria

4th of July

2008-03-02T01:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, March 1st 2008 I visited the Armenian Geonicide Memorial for the first time. After looking at pictures of beheaded mem and women with their skin hanging from their bones, all I could think about what was happening that very same day in Yerevan, Armenia's capital.

Last night a state of emergecy was officially declared. I am writing this blog to tell you the truth. Something that is difficult to find right now. People even in different parts of town do not know what is going on. The the information I about to tell you is from what I saw and heard with my own ears and eyes. There won't be much, but it is better then nothing.

I live on a 9th floor of a sky scraper, overlooking the city. Last night, for the first time in my life I experienced what I have been hearing and seeig on TV in war-torn lands. All the images quickly became real.

It looked like the 4th of July. The night sky was lit with blasting rockets. The sound was continous and piercing. I heard sounds of continuous bombs, shootings, as in guns... firearms. People, women... one woman in perticular, I cant get her scream out of my mind. The image of marching soldiers....

The city was in flames.

Through my window I looked out and saw a war-torn land. IT showed itself in the sky, from the smoke that was coming from the scattered buildings aflame. To look outside and all you see is fire, people runing, yelling, screaming, blasts... I have no words...

For a moment, I went outside where my neighbors and I stood on the porch. We quickly hurried back in our apartments when one of the rockets nearly hit our building.

I live in the heart of the city. This is where the violence is occuring.

This is what I know.

I do not know how many people died. I do not know how many people are injured. I do not even want to guess because I don't want to give an innacurate number. But it is fact that people are dead and injured.Children and women are a part of this too.

Ok... sooooo
for 20 days we are under a state of emergency. This means is it forbidden for people to step outside of their house at night, if they will, they will be arrested.

The president has publicly announced that no forms of media are allowed to report anything without his permission. Thus what is being show is not informative of the truth at all. Unless they live in my neighborhood, no one can have an accuarate clue.

He also announced only that police were injured. On TV there is no mention of citizens being killed or injured. But my friend next to me looking up the news on the web is seeing numbers ranging 9 killed to 33 injured citizens. The hospitals are at first alert, being filled.

As I said, the numbers are skewed right now because the government is publicly not allowing information to be let out. I just know from what I heard and seen last night, I imagine many are now gone.

The corruption of the government is not being hidden right now.

Background info from my VERY limited understanding. On Feb. 19 Armenia had its presidential elections. I along with many other international observers spent the day witnessing the process. Some say they saw a lot, some say they saw non at all. Anyway, the point is that the current prime minister, Serge Sarksyan was "elected" and not the former president Levon Ter- Petrosyan. The next day there were around (this is minimum) 300,000 people who gathered in protest, wanting Levon for president. For the next 9 days there has been daily MASS gatherings and peaceful demonstrations. The only physical disturbance this has caused was the closing of streets and massive traffic jams. Although, police and military have surrounded buildings and stayed close watch of the protesters.

A tent city was created for the protesters in the Opera, one of the main city centers where protesters slept, danced, and heard leaders speak.

Yesterday morning around 7 AM, the police and military entered the opera to evacuate the mass. They used their shields, truncheons(the stick thing), electric shock thingies, and tear gas to evacuate everyone. Then around 3 near the French Embassy another mass gathered and were again cofronted by the military. I am not saying much about this event because I dont know much more.

Oh yeah, at the Opera Levon was taken and put under house arrest. His body gaurd was taken from him, he was told if he leaves his house, it will only be under his own risk. But a body gaurd, he is not allowed to have.

Then last night, is when the violence escalated as I mentioned above.
This morning, I stepped out, and my street that i live on.....the stores were all broken into. Burned cars flipped up side down. Destruction.

I'll provide a few pictures, but please know they are not even that great. The cops aren't allowing us to get close to anything.

By the way, I am not planning on leaving the house during the day. Its actually not me being paraoid, I just am in the heart of where the violence is.

Um if you want to know more... please look it up. For some better places google oneworld media, bbc, a1plus.am, and actually the new york times article is good.

I know it doesn't help much to say don't worry but, really. I am with one of the most overprotective families possible and am not leaving my house.

I'll try to go online again to keep in touch. Phones now are not reliable. I tried calling friends and family last night, it was very difficult.

Love to you all,
Viktoria

Has life always been thematically organized?

2008-01-25T09:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Ones,
I found out that my life here, unlike anyother time before that I have noticed at least, goes in clear themes.

I have not shared this past theme with you because, well, it has to do with a beautiful thing extremely close to the heart. Therefore, I don't want to tamper with it. It is not ready to come out yet; I know you trust my judgement.

Just know I have been keenly aware how time is a luxury. I have been savoring my time as if they were drops dripping from an ice cube into my mouth, on a scorching, hot summer day.

So this past month has been good, to say the least. YES there are frusterations.

But, it has been good.

As far as the rest of me in Armenia,
My biggest frusteration:

The language..

The worst possible thing for a volunteer is if they know Russian, it has killed me.
Everyone has established their relationship with me already in Russian, therefore very difficult to stop it and say, "No, let's speak in Armenian. We will take the quality of our relationship and understanding down a knoch, but hey, I'll learn Armenian." I have said this. But you would be surprised how people genuinly attempt to speak Armenian, and then naturally without even thinking about it resume in Russian.

Because that is what we are used to.

So my level of Armenian is poor. Very poor. So poor that I am even worried about passing the test in the end of this.

Ummmmmm
Work is good. But I think I will transfer jobs and work for Fund for Armenian Relief (FAR) in the child protection department in the begining of February.

I still plan on trying to raise money for Zangakatoun, but it has been extremely challinging trying to find sponsorship on this level.
Also it has been extremely difficult to be in a work place when the boss doesn't know anything because she is contantly tampered with the higher ups, "yes you are going to get money, you will have a job at the end of the month, and no we are not sure if there will be funding."
There are no defenite answeres and so people are left blind with hope.
I don't know.
But it is good.
I know this one is so short. I pressume, my next month won't be as drops dripping. So more to come,
promise.

The holidays were great, Ispent a portion of them in a cave in the winter.
Yes, I love it.

I hope you are all wonderful.
Please don't forget to check in once in a while.

I am missing you, now especially,
Viktoria

Death and Sex

2007-12-09T02:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Ones,
It has been about a month since I have written. Not because there haven't been much to write about-- to the contrary. Itis jus the stuff that I have been going through has been so serious and I wondered about my audenience. Each one of you is a close friend of different agesand different background.sThus, I was left wondering how appropriate it would be to write about my experience. I don't like to sensor, just to be honest. That is why I chose not to write at all and be quiet. But thats not fair to all of us.
Plus I am not a quiet girl. :) so here I am writing.

For the past month I have been experiencing two themes in my life: death and sex.

The first half of the month a member of the family, my grandfather's sister's husband passed.It has been crazy playing the role of the cousin that is supporting all those who are grieving. I'm not really familiar with death at all, but lately i have been thinking a lot about it. Seeing him dead, lying in the living room, I thought of my own grandfather and my own father, feeling panicked by time. I have just been hearing the ticking ticking ticking of the life clock, feeling its going to go out soon and I will be too late. Too late to bring my family together. To bring my grandfather to his home to his daughers and family who miss him sickly and my father, too late to bring him home to reunite him with his dad and his land. I dont know. Its a huge reason why i am here. If it doesnt happen, I don't know. There are differences between expectations and hopes/goals. I really believe I can do this, If I dont its a letting myself down situation.
So death. Mean while while that was going on, seven and yes I said seven, friends of my host family died. One of them being an uncle. So, experiencing death where I am living in the home. You cant smile, sing, black everywehre, for 40 days. Surrounded. It has defenitly been playing a toll on me. The family I live with now are AMAZING people, but what they are going through just has been horrible.

also, one night I wake up to NOT EXAGERATING the most terrifying shriek I have ever heard in my life. I rush into the hall and the host mother is sitting on the toilet with her eyes in the back of her head. Her daughter is screaming unconrollably. The mother has no pulse. (she is now somewhat okay) alive walking. but something is seriously wrong and no one really knows what. The doctor dont really like to say what the matter is either.

I cant get the scream out of my head.

Then someone else died the Birthright (the program I am in) community. A father.

So yeah, it has been a theme. Along with that, everyone and there mother's plumber is sick, I was also but am better now.

So yeah that was my life for like 3 weeks. (Not even talking about work)

The next three weeks' theme was sex.

I doubt he'll appreciate me writing about this, but thats okay. you deserve to know about my cultural experience. :)

So I have been seeing a guy for about 2 months already. Great conversations, smart, I laugh, its greath---just one thing, the man does not touch me. (I mean it literally). the only contact we made is when we walk on the street I have my arm in his. THAT IS IT. So yeah, waited, waited, waited, nothing. Then on the day of my birhtday he invites me over, its really nice, tea cofee cake, and then sends me off in a taxi. NOTHING. then invites me over again, by this time I was fed up. I innitated contact with a message. Afterwards (please keep in mind we have not even kissed at this point) he asks me if i would like to make love. I replied by asking him if he was serious or if he was joking. He was dead serious. That is when i realized I am facing a HUGE CULTURAL DIFFERENCE. I then took on the role as a teacher explaining to him that before the actual act of intercourse there spectrum of things to do and those things are not only great but very important for a woman. And when those things happen, sex is even better. Affection, touch and fourplay are foreign terms here. He tried to understand, but couldn't. He just didn't understand why he should do all that when he could just have sex. The sad thing is it is not just him, guys are really like this here. I know in the US a lot of guys just want to have sex too. But it is different. At least they kiss, know where the cliterous is, what it is and dont think going down on a woman will make a man less of a man.

After I realized what I was faced with I was on a mission to find out what relationship really looks like here, especially the dynamic of men and women in my generation and older ones. I started having conversations with many people about this at work different ages. The things I have found out are alarming and sad. One day I was riding on the metro and just started to look at all the beautiful young women. and men. I just began to cry. I knew that most of the women in their life would never experience physical pleaseure. And please know I am not referring to an itnernal orgasm here. I am referring to basic touch that gives woman pleasure. I could obviously get into great detail here. Ihave A LOT to say on this topic. But I thiink I will save it. Save it for conversation or for a book. Just know that I am thinking a lot about this. On a research level. This as a systemic problem that stems to part of the reason Armenia is the way it is today. It is the reason to a lot of probolems. I am serious.

Work,

My organization that gives life to people will be closing down at the end of December. We need 40,000 dollars to function for a year. I am now at least looking for a couple thousand dollars so we can stay for a few months while I am waitng for some grants to go through. If any of you can offer any ideas PLEASE let me know.

Love you all, sorry I haven't written.
Viktoria
P.S. I am now 23. It was my birthday November 20

Winter is coming soon

2007-11-04T02:31:00.001-08:00

Dear Everyone, In front of me right now is Sis and Masis= Mt. Ararat. I am sittin gin a place called Cascade. A cascade of steps that over look the city and faces Mt. Ararat. It's a place where sweet hearts go to feel eachother amongst the flowers-- it is grougous. It is here from where I am writing you now. The wind is blowing a little, but so is the sun. A nice change from the growing cold days. Winter is coming soon. People do what they can to prepare. But for many, there is nothing they can do. It is the season of mastering all human potential for survival. The hope is just to be alive in the end. Last week, thwn I was visiting with families. I asked one father, is it possible to get used to the cold, to adapt to it? He said yes. But the many other families i visited said no. It is not possible to get used to the cold. It's a bitter chill that starts from the inside of the bones and extends outwards out of the mouth. No matter how many blankets a family may own, the children and parents grow deathly ill from the damp, frigid, dark winter. Inside their houses was colder then outside. If they had a stove to heat the house, wood is rarely found for the winter.

I watched a boy eat a tomato

2007-11-04T02:12:00.000-08:00

I watched a boy eat a tomato. His mother leaves him weeks at a time because she works as a waitress is another town. This particular time she had been gone for a week. Before she left she bought a some tomatoes and bread so her 10 yr. old. son wouldn't starve. I saw that the loaf of bread had barely been touched and the 1/2 the bowl of tomatoes was still left. Not knowing when his mother would return, he rations his food accordingly. I asked him to please eat. He was embarrassed to eat in front of me and the other social worker. Finally after convincing him, he sprinkled salt on the tomatoes and in an instant his mouth grew wider then his eyes and scarfed the ripe tomato in two bites.

I remembered the sound of her laughter

2007-11-04T02:03:00.000-08:00

Its been weeks already that the people I work with have been telling me that the land on which poeople live has been sold. I didn't really get it until 2 days ago when I saw a large four wall building be constructed. It's entrance held a large, elaborate decorated gate. I followed the social worker as she entered into the four walls. Inside was the earth-- ground, rock, open skies and a tiny little shack. Rich men bouth the land without telling the family. Now the family has two months to pick up and leave. The problem is the government does not get i nvolved with their citizens. The family litterally does not have a place to go. As I entered the shack I see 2 beautiful children sitting on a couch. I recognize the little girl from the say before from when one of the boys swung her around in a circle. She did it over and over again a still did not get dizzy. As I said hi to her , I remembered the sound of her laughter. This very same girl will be homeless in an Armenian winter in 2 mo nths. The problem is that this not just happening to this family. This is happening to thousands of families all across Armenia.

In the midst of it all, I am well.

2007-11-04T01:29:00.000-07:00

The families I am seeing are touching me and I cannot and will not shake it off. These are people.

In my life right now, I am facing a challenge. Zangakatun, the organization I work for, that helps these families... changes their lives, will no longer be funded starting this December. One more month. I do not know the first steps in serious fundraising. I just know that as shaky as my first step is , I must take it.

So this is what my life is composed of right now. It's what stops my pen from writing, halts me when I walk. In the midst of it all, I am well.

In addition to work, I find myself grasping for empty time. Craving solitute so I can give attention for my need for reflection to learn the lessons that need to be learned, my system that needs to be relaxed, and my body that needs to be pampered. Sitting (meditation) has become a rare treat that I savor when it comes. Many volunteers here are on "Armenian time" relaxed. layed back-- doing some tasks at work and have the rest of the day for anything they choose. I am finding myself as busy or busier here then I was in the U.S. Often I feel exhausted and guilty for not spending time with my family. There are still 2 aunts and sets of cousins that I have not yet met. I plan to this week. Cross your fingers for me. :)
Not to mention language, time for studying...people say I am improving even though I don't really feel it.

So I guess that should be it for now.
Again, please know in the midst I am well. It is all good.
Love,
Viktoria

Some Basics

2007-10-14T07:01:00.000-07:00

Dear Darlings,

Right now I am feeling settled. I just got back from a small village called Gumri. It holds one of the world's oldest pagan temples. There was a rainbow that arched through the sky touching the mountains and my face. So i feel good right now to say the least. When G-d touches me i get kinda quiet and i like that . So beautifulness is occuring as always.

Much to say.

My mind is filled with the images of everyday living. The questions I held between suffering of the Soul vs. suffering of the body is facing me head on. Evaluating, re-evaluating all that i have come to learn. My being is put out to question, therefore my mind is occupied. My days, my nights and my dreams.

Putting these reasons I'm here aside, you deserve to know some basics. Where I live, am I eating. etc.

Yes.
They moved me in with a new family.If I had one word to describe it woul be "ideal". Exactly what i hoped for. I live with a family--father, mother in their mid 50s probably and their 2 children, son and daughter in late 20's. They are the essense of Armenian family. Generous, hospitable and hard working. They include me in their life and consider me part of the family. The father refers to me as his daughter, and the brother bullies me like I am his sister. The mother gives me buttons to sew onto my shirt and the sister keeps me up at night talking. The question of can i use the stove or not does not come into question because they graciously cook meals and hope and expect I eat with them.

I live in the center of town close to everything. From my window you can see a ferris wheel and a statue of a woman, the monument of Armenia.

I have 2 jobs, but might have 4.
1) I work on a team of social workers researching the rise pf HIV and AIDS and the other STDs amongst prostitutes in Yerevan, the capital (where I live). As of now, I don't do much hands on considering my limited Armenian, but soon I will go on the streets with the other social workers to talk with women and help the intervention classes about awareness education.

My other job is with an organization that works with the most needy families in Yerevan. I and another social worker visit different families' houses to listen to them and asses their needs. Then our center provies a number of services such as different classes an activitied for children and there parents. Drawing, theatre... also a psychiatrist visits with the family as well as an Armenian priest to give classes to restore spirituality in people's lives.

Peoples ancient faith has withered over the years and many ar left numb to Spirit. Collectively people are adopting a capatilist mentity and that is what is killing this nation.

What else to say for now?

I am doing well.
I am still a bit overwhelmed.
I am feeling frusterated at myself for how little I know Armenian. My Russian is a huge blockade. And what is worse, is that I keep saying that to myself.

I met a guy, he's nice.

I'll show pictures when I find a cord.

Not gonna say to much on the subject now, :) most you know how I am with suspense.

No, truth of the matter is the culture here is soooooooooooo different. I dont know the fist way to go about hanging out with a guy. When Guys and Girls hold hands that usually means they are gonna get married. So yeah, more later I'm sure.

Dear loves, I love you.

Know you can still email me.
okay.
~

Its not always good

2007-09-30T09:29:00.000-07:00

So I'll be honest.
Things aren't always good. But even when they are "bad" I still have an underlying knowingess that it is okay and I am taken care of. So please, if you worry, that's okay, but know I am truly fine and am loving the process.

So my homestay family is an atypical armenian family. When I first arrived I thought that I might just be looking into things too seriously. They seemed a bit cold. It felt very much like a hotel. They give breakfast, I go out for the day and sleep at night.

Fill you in... I hoped my time in Armenia would be spent with a family environment where we can cook and eat together, laugh, you know... the goods. Anyway, it all came down to a potato. So far the family has not offered me food once yet. So I have had to eat out somehow. (I am not interested, nor can afford to eat out everyday.) Saterday I woke up sick with a pretty bad soar throat and runny nose, told them that. They actually did not acknowledge that I spoke. Went to the pharmacy, came back, slept for a few hours, then had a mtg with a potentional organization that I might work for. Came back after dinner time, I was starving. I knew I was not welcome to their food, so I bought a smoked chicken and potatoes to fry up. Whats ironic is when I got there they just made potatoes and chicken for dinner. a little was left over.
I asked the wife if I can use her stove to fry potatoes, she said yes.

As I am frying, the mother, no joke, says to me in Russian, which is a lot harsher then in English, that I do not have a right to use their kitchen. I asked, what if I buy my own produce? She says it does not make a difference. Then I asked how can I eat then, she said, that is not of interest to her. I am there just to sleep and that is all. She told me if I want more then that I am not welcome.

So friends, I am not welcome. And am currentlylooking for another host family. The problem is the winters here are ridicilous and very few people have heating. It is going to be difficult to find a fam with heat.

Blah blah that s it.
and work, there more to say. Lets just say I am meeting wtih my boss toorrow hoping to have a discussion on different possibilities. I will tell more as it unravels.

Things helping me,
myself, Chatara's Labor of love CD, family, knowing that peace is possible.

Love you all, please keep reading and writing.

Viktoria

Windows

2007-09-25T02:46:00.000-07:00

I get to see windows.
Women reaching out to hang clothes and reags on a clothes line.
I woke up this morning and saw a man in the hallway. He talked to me in Armenian, I answered in Russian, he walked away. I didn't know who he was.
I arrived last night six hours ago and still awake now. Nobody seems to be up.
Vienna was amazing, so was my Argentenian companian I went with. To see Gustav Klimt's work in the raw put me to my knees. Seeing the texture made me thank G-d for letting him be alive. The journey went over pretty well. I threw up in D.C. and wanted to throw up when I arived here.
We'll see how much I stick to Russian, how interactive I will be with men. My head is starting to hurt again from no sleep or something else.
It smells of a mild burning. There are things in the air (like the bees right next to me for instance) and defenitly sounds of shoveling metals, hammering, sweeping. I am hearing life on this wire car seat outside.

I get to see windows. People's lives, people's houses in front of my eyes.

There house is bigger then mine, vaulted cielings and a stairway. But concrete is its walls and you see it on top where it meets the ceilings.

I wonder if rich people here help out the poor... I hear birds and locked myself out. This is my first morning. Please forgive me for the randomness. I can only hope for my brain to unravel in clarity. Although, that is asking for it.

I Have Family

2007-09-24T05:22:00.000-07:00

So I found out that I have cousins. I always wanted cousins. The really cool thing is the middle one (28) looks kinda like me. The oldest one met me on the street near my house on my way home of being lost from the subway. She took me to her apartment where the family was waiting to greet me. Five people live in their beautiful, small two bedroom apartment. As I walked through the door, each person was waiting to kiss me. Questions came flying at me as well as hugs and warmth. It turns out I look like a typical Armenian woman and they were in awe how I had their grandfather's smile and nose. The smells, the food, I was treated as a queen. They piled on grilled egplant and tomatoes, kebab and another meat dish I have no clue what it was. Different salads. I swear to god, with each bite I felt so sorry for you in America who weren't experiencing what was going on in my mouth. I mean that is sadness. True sadness. Many times already I am almost brought to tears by the tastes and how badly I want for you to have them. Countless toasts of kognac and vodka blessing that I find a husband so I can be an obedient wife. yes yes yes, that is what I just wrote. Plums and peaches. big and baby baby grapes. Torts and Armenian coffee and tea as well as ice cream cake to welcome me. We danced, I showed pictures. Then we talked about my hair problem and they will see to it that it is taken care of. :) At the end of night they insisted I live with them instead of my host family. You can't imagine how difficult it was to get the word "no" across without being mean.

Friends... sooooo much to say. so much to say. I hope you will stay tuned, check in every once in a while.

Know this for now:
Cars here have the right away, not the pedestrians. That means that people are very likely to die any second when crossing the street.

I am communicating in Russian.

The price of living is comparitive to the U.S. but the monthly wage of a judge for example, is $200 per month. Fucking unbelievable. That dinner they made was... who knows how much of their income.

The stray dogs are told to only bite at night.

I am doing okay. There are some things that are up, but its too early write about them. (dont worry)

I love you all.
Viktoria
P.S. My fear happend and that is the computer is not letting me download my pics. Not making a USB connection. I'm gonna work on this and get back to you.

teeny weeny preface

2007-09-03T14:53:00.000-07:00

hi Beauties.

I have invited to you to come see me here on my blog. Two tremendous warnings:
1. I don't know how to do this. I have an unfathomable gift of screwing computers up and/or not understanding them and how to use them. I hope that my relationship with computers will change so I can share myself with you. I want to be accessed. So please know, I am struggling to be online in this virtual reality of ours.

2. I suck at keeping in touch (as you probably know). If I were to speak of my biggest faults, it is that I tend to not keep in touch with those I love most. One on one---great. Apart----suck. Please know that I will really work on keeping in contact through this blog. One way that will help me write you is by not editing. I will write as if this is a journal, fully sharing without censoring. I don't want my bad grammar get in the way of me not writing. I'll write papers in Grad school. :) Hope you don't mind the casual writing...

Iam doing this not just to keep in touch and share about my adventures and potential learnings. I am doing this so I can ask for help if I need it and to be able to share the dark stuff along with the Light.

When I am going to be away in Thrid World country, with foreign language and foreign culture surrounding me. I want the option of typing to you. Even a word.

Thanks for understanding my desire to be in touch. The knowing that someone I love is out there, knowing something thats going on is helpful.

So Loves, these were my warnings :) rooted from my fears and insecurities. They had to be said.

I hope you enjoy peeking in on me every once in a while.

Thank you,

Viktoria

P.S. If you know me as Vicky, I am VICKY. Just so you know though, I started going by Viktoria since 1st yr. of college.

Pre Armenia

2007-09-03T11:15:00.000-07:00

hi Lovlies,

Okay now that is out of the way (my preface) I can tell you what I am doing!!!!!

Since Holden I have dreamt of doing the Peace Corps. Then during my senior year of college I realized I wanted to go to Armenia. Armenia is where my father and his entire family is from. I actually know NOTHING about Armenia. Ok maybe not nothing. They have good coffee, water and wine and the majority of men are artists and would be considered "not so nice" to women from the perspective of U. S. culture. That's what I know.
The whole getting back to the roots thing has been really important to me for the past couple years for some reason. Extremely important. Being made up of two dying nations that are rising from the dead means something to me.

So I applied to the Peace Corps and got denied solely on the base that I am Armenian. Yes, yes that's right. They said my bias would get in the way of my service. ANGER.

So then applied for the Armenian Volunteer Corps. Basically the same thing except for one major difference. Since its funded by Armenia, a third world country, I do not get a stipend, insurance, etc. I am working on getting room and board. We'll see. But because I am unfortunately obsessed with this game of following my heart rather then my brain I decided to go despite the financial difficulty. This past year I worked two jobs to save money and now am leaving in two weeks.

I am kind of frieking out. I hope you don't mind if i share my fears. Because in this whole "Pre Armenia" stage that I am in right now, I am experiencing a LOT of fear. Some excitement but mostly fear and doubt. Yay.

Have you ever wanted something for so long and it lived in your mind that it became like a seperate entity? Because you wanted it for so long you became detached from it. Well this is what has happened to me and very soon this entity is going to become very real, very fast.

Something else I am scared about is theI don't know the language AT ALL situation. At all, at all. Some people are like, "well since you know Russian, that will help you learn Armenian." Yeah, but Armenian doesn't have ANYTHING to do with Russian. It is its own language, just like Hebrew and Latin for example. As most of you know expressing myself is important to me. I can't imagine not being seen or understood AND on a very basic level not being able to understand others and what is being said. How will I be of service to others when I don't know the language? ( I can just picture most of you smiling to yourselves right now thinking, "oh, she's gonna learn and it is going to be good." Yes! But it is still scary.)

Ummm another MAJOR fear, as in probably the biggest I have. So this summer I went back to Lithuania, where I was born for the first time with my mom. Yes, amazing, whole other story. We also went to Russia to see my uncle. See this is where I wish you could see my face. THE CARS, THE DRIVING, THE ROADS, THE FUMES!! AND THE DRIVERS! Dear G-d, may I survive this. I have a phobia of all that is capitolized right now. Seriously. I went and saw a hypnotherapist. Do you get what I am saying? My heart beat goes up even typing about it.
So yeah that is my main fear. I hate the speeding in pot-hole land with cliffs and fumes going up m nose, into my lungs and watering out my eyes. I really don't like that, I don't. I am seriously considering wearing a face mask. Oh--but I am actually not kidding.
Words of advice anyone? please?

So these are my main fears. Yes, there's the whole getting sold into prostitution thing but, mostly its about the fumes. So yeah. Thank you for reading. I will leave Sept,19 for about a year. I love you all.

Peace,
Viktoria